Hit and Run in Abbyland
by binkeybella
Summary: Tony encourages Abby to update her character just a wee bit. Total crack, based mostly on this season's episode 'Hit and Run'.


_**Based on the season ten episode 'Hit and Run', which, well, made me more crazy than the rest of the episodes, except for that other one I just wrote a crack fic about. It's sad when a season can inspire so many crack fics and AU stories. **_

"Hey, Tony, whatcha got in that bag?" Abby inquired as she swept past DiNozzo's desk on her way to find her Silver Fox.

"Oh, uhhh...well, nothing, really, just something I picked up from wardrobe."

"Hmm...a new suit? A nice flashy tie and shirt? Cause Tony, you don't dress like you used to, you're just too casual anymore, like you just don't care about the show or how you're supposed to be a James Bond wannabe and playboy and hide all your insecurities behind slick designer threads."

"Well, Abs, it's funny that you mention that, cause you know, _some _of us are willing to change with the times, you know, like, not dress the same way we did since we were in high school. Well, that would have been a uniform for me, but suits, uniforms, same thing."

"What're you saying, Tony?"

"I'm saying that even Gibbs has let his hair down, got a little less of that 'high and tight' style going on. No more Moe Howard slapping Curly upside the head. McGee of course being Curly."

"So you have a new wardrobe for Gibbs? Cause I don't think he's gonna go for that, Tony, he's still wearing his blindingly white Marine t-shirt and polos with a sports coat, though his polos _are _looking a lot snazzier these days. His wardrobe gal must have slipped something in his coffee to make him change his tune."

"Could be, and..."

"Who changed _your _tune, Tony? You hardly ever wear your fancy suits anymore."

"Aint it great? Nice and relaxed clothes for a change, a couple of Wally Cleaver sweaters, some casual pull-overs, khakis and comfortable boots."

"You – you mean you – don't have any of your angsty insecurities anymore, that you're all good with the way Gibbs treats you like a fifth wheel, the way Ziva leaves you out of everything she's doing until she follows you into the men's room to demand just what in the hell you're up to and why haven't you confided in her, the way the show writers make you a buffoon one week and Ziva's hot lover the next week and then dead weight the next week and then..."

"Uh, yeah, I get the picture, Abs, and no, I'm not good with any of it, I just don't _give_ a damn anymore. One more season for me and I'm outta here, got enough money for my own production company now, wanna direct some films, get my name out there."

"You wanna direct instead of being the team's athletic cup? I don't understand, Tony, you used to love this show!"

"Operative words, 'used to'. Now I'm just a spectator standing on the sidelines watching Ziva save the world. Guys go crazy over her, even though she does wear a training bra. Me, I like a little something in my...well, nevermind that, but I can tell you one thing, now I know how Ronnie Howard felt on Happy Days when Fonzie started getting so popular. It started out about a goofy kid and his family, and became 'The Fonz' Show. We all know how that all ended, something about Fonzie jumping a shark, and...well, I guess he's done pretty okay for himself since then, but come on, look at ole' Ronnie there!  
'Grand Theft Auto, Night Shift, Splash, Cocoon, Apollo 13, A Beautiful Mind...Richie Cunningham got a little of his own back, now didn't he?"

"Tony, what does this have to do with clothes in a bag?"

"Quite honestly, nothing, just needed to have my say about getting shoved onto the back burner. But..the clothes are the thing. It's been over ten years and you're still wearing pigtails and goth make up, not to mention those monstrosities someone mistakenly calls footwear. Haven't seen a bad ass dog collar in a while, but Abs, come on, even the idiom-challenged Zee-vah has moved on from cargo pants and wild hair with a babushka! Don't you think it's time to maybe make a change, lighten up on the mascara, get with the twenty-first century? You know, grow up, like I had to.

"Just because the writers still make me a babbling idiot doesn't mean I haven't matured as a character, they just won't let me _show _it very much now. Can't have Tony making little ninja Ziver look stupid, now can they? And seeing as how she only has one default setting, and reasoning things out logically and legally isn't it, then _someone _has to make her 'I can do anything I want because I am still Mossad even though I have my US citizenship' slash impulsive behavior look like it actually belongs in a federal agency on a top notch team. So, point is, even though _I _know that I'm a competent agent who was for several years a competent police officer, I'm not allowed to show it, well, since season two, I think it's been.

"I mean, _think _about it at least, Abs. Even Tim has come a long ways, he doesn't stutter much around Gibbs anymore, his own wardrobe has improved, and they have him illegally hacking anything he can get his hands on with pride and glee. Although I think he's the only one besides myself and Palmer who hasn't hopped on the vigilante train and gunned someone down with impunity. Gibbs, Franks, Director Shepard, now Ziva – well, maybe she doesn't count, this is just another notch in her ammo belt. Oh, and let's not forget Joanne Fielding, Gibbs' ex-mother in law. She caught a ride on that train a few years ago herself, and for someone who is dead set on making everyone else pay for their misdeeds, Gibbs sure knows how to turn a blind eye to something totally heinous when it comes to his friends, lovers and family.

"Point is, I just read in one of the CBS comment boards the other day that both you and Ziva are considered role models for women now. God help me and my future wife if our daughters decide to model themselves after you two. A more warped and twisted example of leadership and strength I have never seen, except perhaps from Jenny Shepard, and well, you can't get much worse than that. Between you thinking that someone like Mikel the Crime Scene Cleaner Upper was someone worth dating, and her treating someone who an entire following of viewers think she should be married to and having his children, like he's lower than pond scum, I really can't see the qualities I would want my girls to emulate."

"But Gibbs loves us.." Abby muttered defeatedly. "No matter _what _we do. Although I think he _did _get a little impatient with me on that 'Hit and Run' episode."

"Reaallly! Now why would that be, Abs?"

"Um...I dunno. Maybe because I went a little over the top by having just a slight, minor, tiny little nervous breakdown over the fact that when I was a little girl I couldn't fix something that I knew nothing about and almost thirty years later was still not mature enough to realize that maybe, possibly, sort of, I couldn't have any idea what that other little girl's grandfather had done that was so terrible to make his son-in-law hate him so much but it could have been something really heinous that adults didn't explain to little girls like me. And that I had obsessed over it the rest of my life that I couldn't save the world when I was ten but now I was doing all sorts of great things with my brain that helped hundreds of people find closure and justice, but it didn't mean a thing and I was a horrible, horrible failure as a little girl and a human in general because I hadn't been able to fix that one first case that really wasn't my case or any of my business, and was beyond my ability as a ten year old girl to fix. Kinda not real kosher for someone who's the forensic expert for a federal agency and is relied on to be mentally and emotionally stable enough to offer evidence for dozens and dozens of serious cases on a daily basis."

"Not exactly your most brilliant moment, Abs. Even made _me _cringe, and I've seen some bad plot lines in my time here. Personally I think the writers took a vacation that week and let the craft services gals have a go at Abbyland for a change. They need to stick to baking brownies if that was the case."

"So how is changing my wardrobe going to help, I'm Abby Sciuto, I can't change, I'm not allowed to mature and develop as a character any more than the rest of you guys are! Viewers don't _want _character development on this show, they want guns and action and head slaps and uppity brilliant McGee and kick-ass ninja women team members and bitchy, hormonal Gibbs and the obligatory Chuckles the Clown Tony, and happy, Caff-Pow slugging, shrieky immature Abby for forty-five minutes! Changing my hair and clothes will only confuse them and make them mad! You know it will, it happened to you when they tried to make you into a strong and capable federal agent who had seen it all but still had a sense of humor! They let you out of your 'goofy angsty DiNozzo with all sorts of daddy issues' rut and next thing you knew, Ziva was covering your ass like you were a wussy nine year old kid every time you turned around! It only went down hill from there, and you know it has! I'm not wearing them, I'd rather wear that stupid blue suit and high heels they gave me in 'Blood Bath'!"

"Well, it was just a suggestion, Abs. Underneath that passe, like, 20 years ago passe, goth exterior is a mature, thoughtful adult woman waiting to be respected and explored, just like our little Zee-vah. So many intricate layers to her original character, just begging to be sensitively and provokingly peeled away to find a scarred but now hopeful character beneath. Too bad she got buried under arrogance and more violence and some cockamamie plot line of unresolved sexual tension with a partner who's not really that interested in her that way. Personally I think it's some sort of BDSM undercurrent they're trying to slip under the radar on her part, but far be it from me to try to analyze her bi-polar behavior, I leave that to Dr. Cranston."

"I think you need to leave it _all _to Doctor Cranston, Tony, cause she's the only one who can explain all of our bizarre behavior over the last eight seasons. I mean really, what are the chances of the entire team having 'Daddy issues', including Gibbs? And not one of you, or even myself has any sort of funtional romantic relationship that lasts any longer than a few months, except for Palmer! I mean, everyone has _some _level of dysfunction, but that's not exactly what I would call character development, it's more like really bad continuity issues or something! Maybe we can get Rachael and the writers together and she can explain the way things really are and..."

"Give it up, Abs, you're right, change is bad, for most of us, anyways. Unless you're an ex-Mossad agent turned NCIS liaison turned US citizen turned official NCIS probationary agent turned back into a Mossad agent to avenge her bastard of a father turned into, well, who knows what she'll be next season, guess it depends on the ratio of Ziva action figure scripts to ratings per episode. She could come back wearing a cape and tights in the season opener for all we know and have a Z on her chest instead of an S, replete with an assortment of knives and grenades. The writers have all summer to get more and more ridiculous. Think maybe I'll take a vacation myself come September."


End file.
